Most people do not struggle with wedding vows because they have nothing to say. They struggle because suddenly they are trying to sound like a poet in front of everyone they know.

You do not need to.

The best vows usually sound like the person speaking them. Specific, direct and a little imperfect beats impressive every time.

Write to your person, not the room

Your guests are listening, but they are not the audience you are writing for. Write to the person standing opposite you.

If a sentence would feel strange to say to them privately, it will probably feel strange at the ceremony too.

Start with something true

Forget the opening line for a moment and write down three things:

• What you love about them that is genuinely specific
• What changed in your life because they arrived
• What you want to promise them for the life ahead

That is most of the raw material already.

Use details only the two of you could have written

“You are my best friend” is lovely, but thousands of couples can say it. Why are they your best friend?

Maybe they bring you coffee without asking. Maybe they know exactly when you need advice and when you need chips. Maybe they adopted your terrible dog, learnt the names of your cousins or stayed awake with you through a year that was harder than expected.

The tiny details are usually the gold.

A simple vow structure

If you want a framework, use this:

1. Where we are now. One or two lines about the relationship and what this moment means.
2. What I love about you. Two or three specific qualities or stories.
3. What I promise. The actual vows.
4. Where we are going. A final line about the life ahead.

You do not have to follow it rigidly. It just stops the page staring back at you.

Make promises you can recognise

Some promises can be big: to support each other, choose each other and face difficult seasons together.

Some can be wonderfully ordinary: to make the coffee, stop pretending you know a shortcut, keep dancing in the kitchen or accept that one side of the bed has apparently been allocated forever.

A mixture of serious and everyday promises often sounds much more human.

How long should wedding vows be?

There is no compulsory length for personal vows. In most ceremonies, around one to two minutes each is plenty. That is usually enough time to say something meaningful without turning the vows into competing TED Talks.

If one person has written 250 words and the other has written 900, it is worth balancing them before the day.

Do you have to share your vows with each other beforehand?

No. Some couples want to read each other’s vows in advance. Others want the first time they hear them to be at the ceremony.

A useful middle ground is for both people to send their vows to the celebrant. I can check that the tone and length roughly match without revealing the content to either partner.

Read them aloud before the wedding

Words behave differently when spoken. Read your vows out loud at least once.

You will immediately find the sentence that is too long, the phrase you would never naturally say and the point where you need to breathe.

What not to put in wedding vows

Avoid anything designed mainly to embarrass your partner, references to former relationships and private stories they would not want shared with the room.

Also be careful with jokes. Humour is brilliant when it sits inside genuine affection. Five jokes and one promise starts to sound like a roast.

You do not need to be a writer

You only need to be recognisable.

My Sydney celebrant service includes vow guidance, editing and a sounding board whenever you get stuck. If you are planning your ceremony, send me your date and we can start with the bits you already know.